Pandoras Box’s blog

I want happiness, true happiness, not the fleeting variety that so often surfaces.I want to feel it at the random moments throughout the dy, whether it be sitting out on the porch or doing the dishes.I want to feel complete happiness and peace at that moment. Like when doing dishes. I want the zen feeling of the water running over my hands and to notice the smell of the soap. It is so hard to stay present at every random moment, but whenever I do it I feel complete happiness, peace and creativity.It is a feeling that makes you feel warm inside and out and gets rid of any deeper longing at least for that momemt. For a moment it makes everything seem crystal clear. I need to know how to capture that moment and string it out over my entire day and then I will have found the meaning of happiness.

Did you ever run away from home?

I used to run away from home a lot when I was younger, but I never really made it very far. Usually I would hide out somewhere like the attic of the garage or somewhere still at home, but hidden, so that doesn't really count. By the time I got to high school I would run away and stay at a friends house or one time I  stayed at a park and my brother brought me food. I was never gone for more then a couple of days though, mostly I just needed a break and had to get away. I admit I had some mystical thinking about being "out on my own" and someone somewhere was going to discover me and I would be a famous model or something.lol

This is what I would really like to say to you...

I realize that you were bored today. It was boring, but part of being a parent is having to suck it up at those times that you're bored but the kids are having fun. You are mainly just  there to watch the kids enjoy themselves. Your constant whining just really sucks and it makes me seriously rethink our relationship. It is like Christmas morning. The kids wake up early and are excited. As a parent you are not excited to be up at that time of day, but you suck it up for your kids. Why because the day is for them...like today. The fair is for them to have fun, they only get it once a year. Your purpose is pretty much to stand there and hold their stuff while they go on the rides and have fun. I don't understand why you can't put yourself second for once....I could probably go on but I would just be repeating the same thing so I will stop now, but i definitely won't be inviting you anywhere again..

I don't know what my problem is these days. I am living in a state of apathy. I haven't been in the mood to do anything at all. I haven't been taking pictures, writing, or really even cooking. I don't understand what is making me like this. My life right now is better then it has been in years. I am not stressed out all the time, but I just feel so blah. If I could, I would just lay in bed reading all day. Work isn't any better. I go there and the second I clock in I start counting down the hours until I can leave, and I am only putting in a half-assed effort. In the morning when it is time to go I have to force myself to get up and go because I just don't want to schulp away another day, but it isn't like I would be doing someting productive if I stayed at home. I just don't know how to pull myself out of this, since I don't know what is making me like this.

I have not been around  to post lately but I am working on changing that, but for now it is a question of the day...

 

Are you more attracted to people whose personalities are similar or different to yours?

It actually depends on being attracted to them for what. As far as friends I tend to be attracted to people who are like me. I have really high energy and I am a definite extrovert and and tend to befriend people who are the same...but...

As far as being in a relationship with someone I am attracted to my opposite. I like guys who are laid back and low energy. Mainly I think because I would be exhausted if I spent all my time with someone who was always as hyper as me.

 

Update 1...I haven't been posting much because I have been stressed out over my house , but I just got the call back from my mortgage company yesterday. They are going to modify my mortgage and lower my payments. My payments got cut in half and they are forgiving the missed payments so I don't even have to make them up. My house has been saved.This has actually been my main stress for the last year so I am glad it has been resolved.

Update 2...I am seeing someone. This is huge progress for me, as for the last two and a half years I have been avoiding all guys like the plauge. Although I admit when he asked me out I was screaming to myself in my head not to do it, but I took the leap and did it anyway and so far it has been worth it. Although it has only been a month, so it is to soon to tell.

Update 3...My kids are gone for a month, my mother came and picked them up and took them back to Montana to visit for a while. The most amazing part is that my ex-husband actually visited them, not once, but several times. I was shocked but pleased

Update 4... I have been waiting around for a disability check from when I was out of work  a couple years ago and it finally came through I got two thousad dollars.

I think that is it...

I got the letter. I have been wondering when it would come. "Intent of forclosure". I still have to call a couple places to see if anything can be done.

I remember laying in bed as a child and listening.
I could here everything...my parents in the other room, the house creaking,
the noise of the cars outside...and it made me imagine. I heard things
 that weren't there. I saw things that weren't there. I was afraid of the dark. I felt like
there was something hiding. Something was watching me, I could feel it's eyes on me. 
 I used to have to sleep with my door open
and the hallway light on. Even then once I would turn the light off I would have to  hop
from the doorway into my bed because I knew if I didn't something would grab me from
under my bed. I would lay there facing my closet to make sure nothing was coming out
and it was in  this high state of anxiety that I fell asleep every night. I didn't out grow
 it until I learned the scarier things  are out in the light.