Pandoras Box’s blog

What is your deepest, darkest fear?
Submitted by [Susan].

Well my first instinct is to answer with all the big fears I have. Being a horrible mother and messing my kids up, being in love with someone and them not loving me back, finding out that the person... "the one"... doesn't really exist, or any number of other fears. None of those though are my deepest darkest fear.

After really thinking about it... My deepest darkest fear is to have someone know all my secrets. Not just any secrets. The secrets that are at my core. The secrets that I vowed to myself that I would take to the grave. They are the things that have the power to change what people think of me. They are the things that will show them who I really am deep down.

Because I am bored and uninspired I will steal a meme.

What highway do you drive on the most?  I-65
What would be your dream car? I would sell my soul for an old Jeep. I don't want a shiny new one I want an old one.
Would you consider yourself a flirt? Who? lil' ol' me...really though I am a huge, huge flirt.
What are your sibling’s middle names? Lynn, Allen,Scott, and Jay
What's a song/group that puts you in the mood to dance or party? Well there are a lot that do, but I currently just finished dancing around my livingroom to Garbage and Marilyn Manson.
Where are you going on your next vacation? I had vacation planned, but it looks like, due to my monetary deficiencies I will not be going anywhere. *sigh*
Do you get paid weekly or bi-weekly? Bi-weekly.
What color are your pillows? I don't sleep with a pillow.
Favorite aunts name? I don't have a favorite aunt. I am not close to anyone in my family.
What hours do you work? I go in at 4 or 5 am and I leave anywhere from 1 to 3 pm.
Are you superstitious?  Not really.
Whose motorcycle were you last on? My brother's, years ago when he was teaching me to drive it.
You have to buy the perfect shirt to wear tonight, where do you go? Target, because I have their credit  card, they have awesome clearance and I get an employee discount.
How many calendars are in your house? One on the fridge.
Have you ever been confused over two relationships at once? Yeah, after I got divorced I started dating to soon and it got messy. I didn't know from day to day who I wanted to be with.
Who is the last person that made you laugh in person?  My therapist probably, he is the only person I know with a decent sense of humor.
Name one of your ex's mother's names? Emma
Do you miss high school? Hell no, I hated it.
What color is your bra? Black.
How many pairs of sneakers do you own? One for the gym...look at me answer that like I actually go to the gym.
What kind of lotion is closest to you? my daughter's sugar cookie lotion is sitting right here.
What's on tv this second? no idea, I am not near a tv.
What helps you sleep? Depends on why I can't sleep.
How much would you get if you traded your car in? I would probably get laughed at
What color shirt did your mom wear today? Not a clue, I have never been accused of being very observant.
Last time you saw your dad? July 2003. He died about a week later.
Last time you babysat? When I was 14 or 15
Next dentist/gyno/doctor appt? Dentist/next week, Gyno/ next month, Dr. /Two weeks
How often do you do laundry? Pretty randomly, just whenever it needs done
Have you ever been prescribed narcotics? Why yes I have
Have you ever copied someone's tests? Once in middle school but the girl caught me and I was so embarresed I thought I was going to die.
What’s hummus made of? Chick peas  and seasonings which depend on what you want it to taste like. I use red pepper and lemon juice.
When is the last time you used a slip and slide? Last summer
What’s annoying you right now? I have no way to get the pictures from my cell phone and digital camera onto the computer, because this computer sucks ass.
Do you have a crush on someone from the workplace?  not really
Are you an introvert or extrovert? It depends on where I am. I am usually very outgoing, but if it is someone that I want to make a good impression on I tend to be really quite and shy.
When is your grandma’s birthday? June 14. Honestly the only reason I know is because it is two days before mine.
Do you take birth control? No, but I haven't had sex in....counts on fingers....a year and 8 months, so I think I am safe.
How many rings do you wear daily? none usually
Any tattoos? three at the moment, but as soon as I have the money I am getting one more and then I am done.
Any peicings? my ears twice , my belly button and my nose.
Name 3 people you worked with today?No one, I hung out at home
Plans for today/tonight? None, today exhausted me I just want to veg out tonight.
Plans for the weekend?  I have got to get my house cleaned up for my daughters' birthdays and go get all their presents and stuff for their parties.

My ex-husband gave me $100.00. I know you all are thinking big whoop. Seriously though, this is gigantic. A little background. We split up in 2002. When we split up he stayed in pretty close contact with the kids for almost a year. He saw them regularly. Then he decided he missed out on something in life and took off. He didn't tell the kids bye or anything. He went a year and a half without so much as a phone call a letter anything to the kids. Then he called them out of the blue and for the next couple years he called them about every 5-6 months and he even sent them a card once for easter. Then in 2006 I finally tracked him down and got his checks garnished to get child support. I hadn't talked to him since 2004 (when he calls even now the kids answer the phone). Anywhooo...having to pay ticked him off and he vanished again. Until....I got his yahoo IM and I added him to my kids' yahoos and then he started talking to them on there. He still doesn't call unless they ask him to and he hasn't seen them in 5 years, but he is at least talking to them in some form. I now talk to him every once in awhile on IM. I will not fight with him so I am mostly listening to him complain about having to pay child support and listen to his delusions of what a great father he really is. So anyway...today I told him what we did for my son's birthday party. I told him they had fun and wanted to go again next week for my daughter's birthdays. We didn't talk about money or cost ot anything like that. He paypaled me $100.00. Seriously, this is a guy who makes over a hundred thousand a year and pays child support based on his ability to earn twenty five thousand a year and he hates me for even making him pay that. This is a guy who is supposed to pay half of medical, but I have never seen a penny of that, this is a guy who keeps all his assets and accounts in other people's names so you can't prove what he makes....and he voluntarily gave me a hundred bucks that I didn't ask for. I figured that wasn't the best time to point out that it actually costed us almost three hundred to go the other day.:-)

We just got back from the park. There was a guy there that was just straight up creepy. Seriously as soon as we pulled up I saw him and my freak-o-meter went off. I let my kids out to play and told them not to talk to the guy. He had a camera and was taking a picture of some girl (she was about 18-19 years old). I never took my eyes off him. He finished taking the girls picture and she left. So he starts walking toward my daughter and I was like hell no your not going to talk to her, so I started to get up to go over to where she was, but he got there first and said something to her.  She came running over and said he wanted to take her picture. He was watching me the whole time she was asking. I told her no he couldn't and that a grown man doesn't need to take her picture.He saw me telling her no.  So I sent her the other direction to play and stressed to not talk to him. Then he walks up and asks me if I have an email address. I said yeah. He said he could take pictures of both my daughters (my son apparently wasn't his thing) and email them to me. I glared at him and pretty much told him off. He got uncomfortable (could have been the I hope you burn in hell look I gave him)  and  tried to make small talk for a second and then went and sat in his car and I stood there and watched him. I must have made him nervous, because then he left. I was thinking though that I should have got his license plate number because he had a big van with tinted windows and out of state plates and the whole thing was just really freaking creepy. The guy was a slime ball too, really homely and dirty and he was using crutches, except that he wasn't really using them at all.I didn't think about the plates  until he was already leaving and I couldn't read them.

It's my son's birthday today. He is 15. I had planned on making his cake, but my daughter really wanted to do it, so I left her to do it. He wanted a cake made to looke like our old van (I don't know why, I just fufill the requests). I cut and shaped it and my daughter finished it. Today we are going to IHOP for breakfast. Then we are going to have our party at home and then after my mother gets off work  we are going to go out to Dave and Busters to play games and stuff. My daughters' birthdays are next week. May kills me every year trying to come up with the money for everyone's birthdays.

I went to Lowes today to get some sonic spikes to keep the moles out of the yard and some insect spray to keep the bugs off the fruit trees. I was with my animal loving daughter. We left Lowes with two bird feeders, two hummingbird feeders, food for the birds and food for our squirrel feeders. I had to wait while she looked over every product they had to get rid of moles and she had to "approve" of the thing I picked out. She had to make sure it would not hurt the moles at all. We didn't debate on the insect spray...although she would have a problem with hurting bugs just as much as she would have with hurting the animals, I just don't think she even saw the spray. So my goal of going to Lowes to get rid creatures in my yard turned into a trip to get supplies to attract more creatures to my yard.

I am entirely too paranoid. I never give out my cellphone number. Only about 5 people have it. I do that because there are people I don't ever want to be able to  get my number. Anyway, today I got a call. It was a blocked call and  I immedietly figured it was one of the people I don't want to have my number and they somehow got it. In reality it was most likely a wrong number since,  I figure if it was someone I knew they would have left a message. How retarded am I? lol

      When I had journeyed half of my life's way,
I found myself within a shadowed forest,
for I had lost the path that does not stray.
 Ah, it is hard to speak of what it was,
that savage forrest, dense and difficult,
which even in recall renews my fear:
  so bitter-death is hardly more severe!

                                   ~Dante

I haven't posted in a long time. I have been kind of self involved and it has made my mind blank as far as posting. I have also been wavering back and forth from feeling fine to being completely depressed. So now I am going to make two posts one with randomness and a "real" one.

Now for the randomness.

We went and got an pear  tree, blackberry bushes, seedless grape vine,  two new little trees to put on each side of my door and a new rose bush. Last year was a drought so we lost some of that stuff, and some of it that I planted last year just didn't take. Our peach tree has blossoms this year so I think this might be the first year that we actually get peaches on it. My kids are getting ready to plant the garden. That is their project not mine. I am not a gardener, I hate to get my hands in the dirt, so it is my mother helping them with that.

I have a bunch of major fixing up to do at my house, but it is mostly stuff that I am not able to do, so it will have to wait until my best friend comes down to do it. He comes down once or twice a year to help me with that kind of stuff. The upside of that is that he usually pays for it too. What a nice best friend I have. Wouldn't it be so awesome to have the kind of money that you can just blow it and it never really runs out. That's how he is. He has no idea what he pays for anything. This year he owed 15,000. on his taxes and he just paid it...just like that no scrimping and saving. I am in awe of him. Of course if I had half the brains he has I could probably make that kind of money too.

I have lost 12 pounds. This weight I gained is coming off so slow. I gained it all within a couple months after I was put on a new medication. It only took two or three months to gain it all and I have been trying to lose it for a year. it really sucks.

I sliced my finger open at work. It was nasty. I severed a nerve and it went all the way down to the bone. I had to go get stiches. Then a couple days later I popped out two stiches opening the car door. My finger feels really weird too. The top half is completely numb. The doctor said I probably would never have feeling back in it. The sad thing is that it was my own fault that I got hurt because like a moron I was cutting something open while holding it in my hand.

Well I think that is about it.

I could not even make this crap up...

My basement was flooding and all the water was coming from one of the pipes to the bathroom. I called the plumber to come fix it. I was happy because it costed a lot less then I thought it would, plus it didn't take long to fix and he knocked some off the price. Awesome...so far.

So now we go to the next day. I can not find a freaking bra. I thought, maybe they are all in the laundry because I haven't done laundry in a while. Well...no every bra I own except the one I was wearing is gone. What is even more amazing is the fact that I have tons of bras. I mean I love bras and underwear. So how he got all of those out of my house...I have no freaking idea. So unless someone comes up with a better explanation for them disappearing I will have to continue to think it is him. Where else would every bra in my drawer go?