Pandoras Box’s blog

I got the letter. I have been wondering when it would come. "Intent of forclosure". I still have to call a couple places to see if anything can be done.

I remember laying in bed as a child and listening.
I could here everything...my parents in the other room, the house creaking,
the noise of the cars outside...and it made me imagine. I heard things
 that weren't there. I saw things that weren't there. I was afraid of the dark. I felt like
there was something hiding. Something was watching me, I could feel it's eyes on me. 
 I used to have to sleep with my door open
and the hallway light on. Even then once I would turn the light off I would have to  hop
from the doorway into my bed because I knew if I didn't something would grab me from
under my bed. I would lay there facing my closet to make sure nothing was coming out
and it was in  this high state of anxiety that I fell asleep every night. I didn't out grow
 it until I learned the scarier things  are out in the light.

My daughter is twelve and she was playing with her toy horses and dollhouse dolls. It sparked the following conversation.

Her: Look it's you

Me: How is that me, because I ride horses alllll of the time (sarcasm)

Her: no, because your old (It was the grandma doll)

Her: this one is dad.

Me: oh I never knew he was bald (was the grandpa doll)

Her: he might be for all I know.

How sad is that? She doesn't even know what he looks like. It has been six years since they have seen him. He could be bald for all we know. Sad....

My daughter has moved out of her baking cake phase and has gone into her bread baking phase. We have been buried in bread for a week. Here is a picture of a bread wheat stalk she made...

Kaylawheat

Wheat

For some people morality is something that just fleetingly crosses their mind...if they even think of it at all. Many people like to live with the thought that they are immortal and so is everyone around them. I have the opposite thought. I see mortality eveywhere. I know every day when I send my kids to school that something could happen to me or them and we might never see each other again. I think about it pretty much everytime I get in the car. I have known too many people who were fine one minute and dead the next. My dad had just had a complete physical, heart checked and everything. A week later he was dead from a massive heart attack. A friend's 17 year old son went to work and was shot in the head while he was there. Another friend was sitting watching movies and snacking with his wife and she choked to dead. A cousin had a baby die the day she was to be induced, the baby was fine on ultrasounds two days before. All different deaths, all out of the blue things. I don't fill may day worrying about things like this, they are things you can't control and things that you would never be able to see coming. It would be wasted energy to lock yourself in a room to stay safe or worry everyday about how you might die. I am always aware of it though. My accepting my own mortality and that of the people around me is part of why I lack impulse control. If I want something, I want it right away. I mean, I might be dead tomorrow, so why wait. I feel the same way about waiting for the "perfect" timing for things. There is no perfect time. The perfect time is now, there might not be a later. The same is true for love. Why drag on long drawn out engagements just to plan the perfect wedding. Why not do it now. What if you found out you had only 6 weeks to live. I bet that perfect wedding wouldn't seem so important anymore and the perfect timing wouldn't be waited for. What if there is a person you are really wanting to be with, why wait...really there is no reason. One of you might not wake up in the morning. Your kids want to go to the park... Just take them It could be your last time.

That is all I have to say about that...:-)

None of us felt like soing anything elaborate and none of u were that hungry, so this is what we had for dinner...

Picture 075

It is cherry crepes...they were yummy...

My son is about to turn 16. He has Aspergers syndrome. Lately I have been thinking he should find a job. Not because he has to have one, but because I think if he is ever going to be able to make it on his own he is going to need to start now to work out any issues he has before he is on his own. The problem is this. I don't know what kind of job he would be able to hold. There is no way he would ever be able to work as something like a cashier. He doesn't talk to people. I also don't know how to go about finding him the kind of job he needs. I mean when I need a job, I just go apply at anywhere and get a job, but i pretty much have no special requirements. I don't know how he would ever get past the interview. I am a huge believer in being self-employed, but for him at the moment I think he needs to have a "regular" job for a while. I think  he needs to be around people..even if it is forced.:-) I don't know, this is stressing me out. The fear that he is never going to be able to function and have a normal life has just suddenly started creeping up on me the closer he gets to 16. I guess because I see other people his age and think of what I was like and see the huge gap with where he is at now. I guess denial is easier when they are younger. Now he is getting close to being an adult and being on his own. I have a fear he will never be able to make it on his own...

We tell white lies every day, but have you ever told a big lie, and if so, why did you do it? Confess!
Submitted by Sophie.

This is actually a funny one. People at work think that I have a boyfriend. They would never leave me alone and they were always wanting to fix me up with people, so I invented a boyfriend. I actually didn't invent the guy. It is a guy I know that I would love to date, but when they ask for details about my "boyfriend" I just fill in the blanks using that guy as my template (so to speak). It is easier to remember that way. It didn't really solve my problem though because now they won't get off my back about wanting to meet him. I may have to have an imaginary breakup. :-)

My head is like a constant story. Emerging out of every minute of my daily life. A stranger might walk by and say nothing more than "Hi, how are you today". I will mumble fine, but in my head I will have an entire conversation with the person. I will think about what witty remark I should have made and the snappy comment they would make in response. We go on back and forth until we have had a very lively conversation. I will smile to myself at the memory of the conversation. I was so witty here... oh, there they had a good point. Except...wait...there was no conversation. It was all in my head, they merely said hi.

Why does my mind do that? Is it because deep down I am not really the loner I believe that I am? Is it that I feel the need to make a connection with someone? Or is it just that my life and myself are so ordinary that I need to make ordinary things significant, like they matter? I need to be more then just ordinary.

I almost went to work in my pajamas. I got up, got my work shirt on and nametag and all that. Then I decided to go warm up the car so I put my boots on and went out and turned the car on. Then I went and did my hair, put my makeup on and headed out the door. I got in the car and realized I still had my pajama bottoms on. I apparently felt dressed because I had already put my shoes on.:-)