Pandoras Box’s Neighborhood

Take a look at this photo of a present I received on Christmas.

Godiva

Anything strike you as remarkable? Other than that it's Godiva, a classy and pricey chocolate you'd never find in my home unless it were gifted, as this was.

Look closely. Notice the vacant squares. Notice that exactly 41.6% of the contents ... gone! Missing! Vanished!

By me. And me alone. In one day, Christmas.

Now, that figure of 41.6% is misleading. It under-reports actual quantity consumed by me and me alone in one day.

Yes, it's accurate to say I ate 10 of the 24 total pieces, equaling 41.6%.

However, the astute observer will notice that not all the pieces are of identical size. Two of the remaining are humongous. There used to be of those, four giant blobs of glorious chocolate covering crunchy pecan bits and golden gooey caramel.

One of those gargantuan pieces is the equivalent of four small ones.

So, painfully forced to recalculate actual quantity, I, and I alone, consumed 44.44% of the box on Christmas Day. Up from 41.6%.

In one day, I morphed from the girl on the left into the one on the right:

Before and after

Of course you know that's not me. I wouldn't be caught dead carrying a clutch, never mind one matching the dress.

But it does get the point across. Two days past Christmas and Godiva hasn't crossed these lips. I'm still burning off the sugar.

So if you need your snowy walkways shoveled, the shower regrouted, linoleum laid and walls repainted, all in a day, I'm your girl. The number's (555) SUGAR-HI (784-2744).

Disclaimer: None of my own piggery in any way alters the beauty and value of the gift and the thoughtfulness of the giver.

Now that Christmas is past, I can honestly say that 2009 sucked.  Big time.  Between DH and I, 6 surgeries.  7 deaths of either family or close friends, the loss of a pet as well.  The last death was yesterday.  Our dear neighbor died after suffering a stroke a week ago. 

2010 has got to be better.  Please, please, please, let it be better

Nothing says Christmas like a Bundt cake candle.

This Bundt cake candle infuses your home with the sweetness and light we associate with this blessed season.

As its five wicks burn, they release into the air an aroma that returns fond memories of your grandmother gliding across the room on Christmas Day, silken lavender polyester robe trailing, drenched in cheap perfume from the 5-and-dime.

Amid a lifelike glaze mounds of cream-colored wax dot the monstrosity (possibly the creation of a Hollywood Wax Museum fellow who ingested three too many tabs of LSD in his youth) like samples emptied from the cosmetic surgeon's liposuction sac.

Garnishments of hard brown plastic balls replicating nuts nearly bring a tear to the eye, a nod to holiday sentimentality, detail and the prevailing presence of cheap Chinese goods in the American market.

Above all, you can rest assured that friends and family, upon viewing this one-of-a-kind candle cake, will shout: "Happy Holidays! And Good God! Where on earth did you find such a hideous contraption?!"

And you'll smile sweetly, if not demurely, and with a wink of an eye and finger alongside the nose like Santa Claus rise up the chimney (pretend if you don't have one) and answer: "At the Goodwill, for 99 cents."

Then like Blitzen you'll hasten toward the skies, three paces ahead of a spinning burning bad Bundt hurled your direction by your aunt (and quite the pitcher's arm she has) with a hollering command of "Get this damn gawd-awful thing outta my sight!"

(and to it a good night)

Ah, Christmas, when shineth the Spirit of Truth. Nothing bespeaks the holiday like the tackiest candle ever birthed on the face of the Earth, a Bundt Cake Gone Bad.

To all my loyal readers, bless you, and to the occasional drop-ins amused by the oddball and unconventional, all animals and to each and all every one a Most Merry Christmas.

May your holiday burn brightly. And badly with a Bundt.

Burn, Bundty, burn!

Yet another quiet Christmas for FA... am sick so am just gonna hide at home to rest... MERRY CHRISTMAS!