13 posts tagged “random thoughts”

I remember laying in bed as a child and listening.
I could here everything...my parents in the other room, the house creaking,
the noise of the cars outside...and it made me imagine. I heard things
 that weren't there. I saw things that weren't there. I was afraid of the dark. I felt like
there was something hiding. Something was watching me, I could feel it's eyes on me. 
 I used to have to sleep with my door open
and the hallway light on. Even then once I would turn the light off I would have to  hop
from the doorway into my bed because I knew if I didn't something would grab me from
under my bed. I would lay there facing my closet to make sure nothing was coming out
and it was in  this high state of anxiety that I fell asleep every night. I didn't out grow
 it until I learned the scarier things  are out in the light.

For some people morality is something that just fleetingly crosses their mind...if they even think of it at all. Many people like to live with the thought that they are immortal and so is everyone around them. I have the opposite thought. I see mortality eveywhere. I know every day when I send my kids to school that something could happen to me or them and we might never see each other again. I think about it pretty much everytime I get in the car. I have known too many people who were fine one minute and dead the next. My dad had just had a complete physical, heart checked and everything. A week later he was dead from a massive heart attack. A friend's 17 year old son went to work and was shot in the head while he was there. Another friend was sitting watching movies and snacking with his wife and she choked to dead. A cousin had a baby die the day she was to be induced, the baby was fine on ultrasounds two days before. All different deaths, all out of the blue things. I don't fill may day worrying about things like this, they are things you can't control and things that you would never be able to see coming. It would be wasted energy to lock yourself in a room to stay safe or worry everyday about how you might die. I am always aware of it though. My accepting my own mortality and that of the people around me is part of why I lack impulse control. If I want something, I want it right away. I mean, I might be dead tomorrow, so why wait. I feel the same way about waiting for the "perfect" timing for things. There is no perfect time. The perfect time is now, there might not be a later. The same is true for love. Why drag on long drawn out engagements just to plan the perfect wedding. Why not do it now. What if you found out you had only 6 weeks to live. I bet that perfect wedding wouldn't seem so important anymore and the perfect timing wouldn't be waited for. What if there is a person you are really wanting to be with, why wait...really there is no reason. One of you might not wake up in the morning. Your kids want to go to the park... Just take them It could be your last time.

That is all I have to say about that...:-)

My head is like a constant story. Emerging out of every minute of my daily life. A stranger might walk by and say nothing more than "Hi, how are you today". I will mumble fine, but in my head I will have an entire conversation with the person. I will think about what witty remark I should have made and the snappy comment they would make in response. We go on back and forth until we have had a very lively conversation. I will smile to myself at the memory of the conversation. I was so witty here... oh, there they had a good point. Except...wait...there was no conversation. It was all in my head, they merely said hi.

Why does my mind do that? Is it because deep down I am not really the loner I believe that I am? Is it that I feel the need to make a connection with someone? Or is it just that my life and myself are so ordinary that I need to make ordinary things significant, like they matter? I need to be more then just ordinary.

I have been thinking about the past lately. Not so much the past, but the lack of a past. I think people's dreams of the future come from their pasts. Their sense of self comes from their past. Everything in your past makes you who you are at the present moment. I think my lack of any real past memories is why I have never had a sense of who I am. I think it is why I have never had a sense of where I want to be going. I have always been stuck in the present, nothing to look back at and nothing to dream of. I daydream a lot, but even my daydreams are all about the present. It never used to bother me, but lately I am seeing just how different this makes me. So the more I have been thinking about it the more it has been bothering me. I mean it would be cool to know why you are a certain way, or why you do certain things. I know that to a point, but it is general psychology crap  that I have picked up here and there. 

 I had a dream last night (the topic is not important)... but I wonder,  was it me remembering something that had happened. If so it changes a whole series of events. Maybe they didn't all take place the way I think they did, or maybe it was just a plain old  dream and never really happened the way it did in the dream, which brings me to my next question...

How do you know when a memory is real. How do you know  that it is not just your imagination filling in blanks. I have a very vivid imagination. How do I know what is real and what is invented in the mind?

I have been reading a book, it's someone's memoirs actually. It is about discovering the sexuality of adolescence (I stole that from the back cover). In it she is talking about going through puberty and when some of the girls started getting breasts and some didn't. How devastating it was to her to  be one of the ones who didn't. She talked about the guys always groping at her and trying to get a feel of the girls breasts or even to just snap their  bras. She talks about guys mooing and making suckling sounds at the girls. I about died. I don't know if most people had the same experience, but that is exactly how it was when I was growing up, except that I wasn't one of the ones with no boobs I was one of the ones with them and I hated it.

The thing is, in the book she is very light hearted about the whole thing, the people touching her, the comments. She didn't have any lasting trauma from it or bad memories of it. That is where our paths diverge, maybe it is the difference in our lives pre-puberty, but in mine by the time I had gotten to that point I had already been being molested for years, By that point I was sick to death of guys groping at me. When a guy would grab my boob, I instantly felt sick and dirty, my blood would race through my veins, my skin would crawl  and I would brace myself for what was going to come next. Nothing really ever did. I hated my body more then anything, I wished daily that I was a boy and that I could blend into the wall and not be noticed.I wondered what it was about me that people just always felt the need to be  touching me.  I hated bra's. I hated everything having to do with being female. When my period started I wished I could just die. I felt like my whole body was soiled and everyone could see and no matter how much I tried to scrub myself clean people could tell there was something wrong with me. That was back in the days when I still had conversations with god. I talked to him everyday. I wanted to know why he was torturing me. I thought if I wanted it hard enough I could make it all go away. I asked and pleaded and tried to make deals with him. If I could just go to sleep and never wake up I would do "fill in the blank thing" for him.

To make things even more confusing for me. I had a huge craving for all things sex. I was over-sexualized, but at the same time that I craved it I felt dirty and wrong about anything that had to do with sex. I knew there was something wrong with me. I knew when I would talk to my friends and they would be whispering in their hushed voices things about sex. They were guessing what sex was and what it would feel like. They would talk about losing their virginity. I knew things though. Things I wouldn't admit to them. I knew exactly what sex was and I wasn't a virgin. I didn't have that "special" first time. I didn't even remember my first time. I thought they would be able to tell  if I got into their conversations, I always sat quietly during them afraid to reveal to much information, something that might give me away. I would sit there with a stomach ache the whole time the conversation was about sex. Even though they talked about it, I knew they didn't think about it the way that I did. I thought about it all the time, I fantasized about it during the day and I dreamed about it at night.  I knew that I thought about things that they could never understand. I knew I was alone with my own thoughts and my own warped mind. I knew all that and that was before I ever even got into high school.

I wish I could write a book like hers. Light hearted remembrances of innocent times past when sex was just a curiosity in the air... Something to be discovered... A mystery to be solved...

I have been going like crazy for weeks. It seems like all I have been doing is sleeping and working. Here's a real update though.

I have been restless. We moved a lot when I was a kid and in my  entire life I have never grown an attachment to a place. I always thought that I would buy a house, and  my kids could be settled into one place. I figured I would feel like I finally belonged somewhere instead of always 'wandering'. I don't though, I want to just up and sell everything and move onto the next adventure. Part of the restlessness has been started by my kids, two of them are begging to move somewhere. They don't care where, they just want to go.I would do it too if all my kids were in agreement, but my son isn't. He doesn't have the wanderer bug. He would be happy if he never had any change in his life. I alway think that I might find that one place that I really belong, a perfect fit. I am sure though that any place can be made to be a perfect fit if you just try. I am a Gemini, maybe it is just my nature to alway be searching...

Sometimes you get tired of trying to change your true nature. The problem is, once you start to change it you can't stop.  If you stop you are stuck.You're stuck between what you were and what you are becoming. You can't just give up and return to who you were, because it no longer fits, but you haven't yet become what you were trying to change into. You no longer know who you are. Maybe it is not even possible. Can your true nature really be changed, or is the change you think you see just an illusion?

I should make my obligatory New Years post. The one where I share all the wisdom I have gained in the last year. The one where I talk about how much I have grown and how I am so looking forward to another exciting year. The one where I talk about the thrill of just being alive for one more year. The one were I run down the list of all that I have accomplished and all that I hope to accomplish in the coming year. Well....this is not that post. My year was pretty much uneventful. I was stressed and exhausted at the beginning of the year and I am stressed and exhausted now. I didn't have anything exciting happen, and while I hope next year is better then this one, I don't forsee it. In fact if today was forshadowing my year I would say it is going to be a long year. I didn't get to stay up with my kids last night, they had a little party. I worked 11 hours today and I will be working that all week. See my year is already starting out with me stressed and exhausted.   Now granted this was the first year in several where I did not have some major traumatic event going on, so that should count for something, but still  I don't have any  gleaming nuggets of wisdom to share. I don't have some amazing story of triumph over tradgedy, or some unacheivable goal that I somehow managed to achieve. No, pretty much I have just been getting by, never really getting anywhere and that just doesn't make  that good of a New Years post.

I am a people watcher. I am constantly watching everyone around me. Their movements, mannerisms and facial expressions. I have always watched. When I was younger it was so that I knew how I should act at any given moment. I knew the looks I should have on my face. I knew the way I should move to make any given emotion more  believable. I knew how to read all the little signals the other person was sending. Not what they were saying, but what they were really thinking. I wasn't the way I imagined most people to be. I didn't have an inborn sense of expression or emotion. Honestly I am a pretty cold hearted person. Well, today we went to Opryland hotel. We go every year and there are tons of people there. Every time we go I realize how jaded I really am. The place is full of laughing happy people, but for everyone that walks by I think something negative. A couple with a newborn walk by. I of course figure, sure they look all happy, but she doesn't know he is running around with his secretary because she hasn't given him any since the baby has been born. A whole family looking happy and all together, but at home is the father an abusive tyrant. A husband and wife together holding hands, but is she really a possessive control freak, if that's even her husband maybe she is just the mistress. The happy single guy, is he a lowly  pedophile. Honestly if I left it up to my imagination there would be no happy people in the world. The strange thing is, in general I am more of an optimistic person, but something about watching  large groups of happy people just brings out the judgmental side of me. It's like I just can't believe that it is possible for them all to be truly happy...that it isn't all just an act.

On the topic of Opryland. We went and we had fun. The kids ate giant ice cream cones. I had my usual role as the mule designated to carry all of their coats around for three hours...even though everytime we go I tell them they will have to carry their own coats. Way to stick to my word there. They had a lot less decorations out this year, but it was still fun. We have gone every year for the last nine years...it's a tradition. I like the lights. there are lights everywhere. I always thought that the Opryland hotel would be an awesome place to have a winter wedding. Not that I plan on having a wedding. I have been married twice and haven't yet had one, plus I am pretty sure hell would freeze over, thaw and refreeze before I made that move:-) It is a nice place though. I want to rent a room there sometime, that would be awesome.

I don't believe in soul mates, but I do believe that some people have a really strong connection.I think more people should just act on it when they feel that connection. I am sure a lot of people just ignore it and go on with life and wonder why they are still single. I have had this discussion before, but here is my formula for finding the person you are "meant" to be with.

1. Think of everyone in you life. (friends, aquaintances, people you see around...everyone). Ex's are excluded, because while you may have a connection, they are an ex for a reason.

2. Now, of those people which of them just randomly pops into your head every now and then? Maybe someone says something and it reminds you  of the person. Maybe you pass by a store and it makes you think of the person. Whatever it is they pop into your head at least a few times a week. (that should narrow it down to a few people)

3. Of those people, picture them without make-up or with  their  hair pulled back or twenty pound heavier. When you picture them are there any of them that you would still be attracted to. If so that means you are attracted to them for who they are not how they look. Hopefully that narrowed it down to one or two people.

4. Now picture those one or two people and imagine that you are in bed with them. Can you imagine being in bed with them and cuddling, kissing  and everything else, but not having sex with them. (not that you don't want to have sex with them, hello we are human) Are you still attracted to them. If so (and hopefully you are down to one person) that means that you want to be with them for more then sex.

5. Now if you are down to one person think  of all the reasons that you tell yourself you can't be with that person. ...ok, now screw the reasons, change them and you will be with the person that you have that connection with, because most likely if you feel the connection they do too. Everyone has reasons they can't be with the person, but every reason can be worked out.

If you didn't get it narrowed down to one...well then you are out of luck for now, try again in a few months after you have met a few more people.